I’ve been stuck now for almost 2 weeks. I got hit unexpectedly with this huge trigger from out of the blue and it threw me and caused me to do a complete 180 on everything that I was doing and a part of, and it threw me into unnecessary anxiety and panic in areas that were completely unrelated, and made me second guess everything around me. I just crashed and crashed HARD, and it hadn’t hit me like this in a very long time. A lot of fear, a lot of anxiety physically making me sick, stress and guilt and sadness. And it was/is SO STUPID, and very unrelated and illogical really. Sometimes that’s the thing that sucks about being so far along in recovery. You know the answers, you can rationalize and process and seek God and pray and look for positives. You know every way to handle these kinds of situations. The problem is…there has never been THIS situation before, you don’t know how you’re going to react, and all the logic in the world means diddly squat when you can’t sleep or talk to people normally and you literally just want to curl up in bed and hide from the world because of the bad monsters that may or may not be lurking outside or near or in the same world as your front door. You transfer emotions from old situations onto current things and exaggerate them and panic and it’s all unnecessary. But your brain does it without you thinking about it and the way you feel at the time is genuine.
I wasn’t going to settle for it though. I probably spent about 3 days running and hiding before I actually trusted God with it and getting prayer and seeking advice. If I had $1 for the amount of times I say “Christ is enough, Lord I trust you” but then try to solve it on my own I would be very very rich. There is literally nothing more I can physically do but fix my eyes upon God and his promises and pray for the renewing of my mind and breakthrough because God is using this to grow me for something in the future (although right now that thought terrifies me too). It just amazes me how much past habits and people and situations can have a hold over you and draw you back after a long period of time. And God reveals another layer you need to get through, another wall of Jericho to tear down. And you grow.
I like the part where you grow, where at the end you look back and are like “thanks God, I made it through because of you”. That’s what I’m clinging to now, because when you’re stuck in the middle where the growth looks more like drowning it’s a bit freaky…at least until you learn how to stand and walk on the water.
some of these are scary accurate
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✝ Daily Verses and Inspiration ✝ http://goddaily.tumblr.com/
*A bit rich don’t you think, the irony isnt lost on me* Le sigh…one of those days. Didn’t get to sleep until 4.30 am and then up at 6.45am. Tired. Let me be tired. Let me sleep well tonight. Keep me cool and calm and let me sleep well tonight.
I feel sick
“God didn’t give you a platform so you could hide your story. Shine bright. We’ve got enough night lights, we need lighthouses.”Jon Acuff (via rahgodgirl)